So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize