Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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