OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You took a bar mat shot.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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