so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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