you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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