I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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