Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
