I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
