I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
