he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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