he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
