ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
