When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize