You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
