I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
