The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
