I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
