If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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