I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
