I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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