I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
