Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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