hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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