I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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