Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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