My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
