Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Everclear isn't food dammit
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
