me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
