my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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