haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
