yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
