Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
