i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
