We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
