I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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