I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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