I am midnight drunk by noon
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
