that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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