if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
