well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize