My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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