i need an iv and a liver transplant
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
