If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
