My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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