I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
