My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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