cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
