he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He shit in the fireplace
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
