if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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