I just pynch a tree in the face
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
