I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
