Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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