I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They are going to name an STD after you.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize