You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
