my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
