Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
