Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
