May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
