she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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