your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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