I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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