hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My vagina just recognized that song.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
