I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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