Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
