make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
