whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize