no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
