I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
